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If you can't laugh at yourself, then don't laugh at anyone else.

A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
'Awe Ian that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots. .. so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! it's no that dark!

Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them....

A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter...

A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas himself....

A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband'

The man at the desk says 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'

The old woman replies '£5' to which the man says 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok'

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.

The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid'

He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The man then reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'......

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery. 'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into a coconut'
Says the doctor, 'You're bountae''

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.

What do you call an illegitimate insect ?
A fly bastart.

Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.

What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named after a queue for the toilet ?
The Aw Needin Line.

The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
'Fur ma roon shooders'

Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.

Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke?
Gupty Singh

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks
The boy says, ' I play the part of the Scottish husband ' ..
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !'
I know,' she said, 'ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I came son!'

A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilet pepper!' yelled the woman

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?' he cries
'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.
Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.'
She seemed satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'
'Your horse phoned!' she said.

Sent in by Betty McGaulley

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